My heart aches watching friends so broken, so hurt. But what really can I do? I can't walk away, nor can I fix it.
They tell me to let it go- don't worry over it, don't try to carry the weight myself.
But how can I listen to the tears of a friend and not cry myself?
Somehow, I have to let it go.
Thursday, September 27, 2012
Peacemaker.
"God blesses those who work for peace, for they will be called the children of God" Matthew 5:9 NLT
I kept telling myself this over and over again yesterday. And still it was hard. This morning, I went to look up the reference, and I noticed something about the Beatitudes- each of those Christ calls Blessed- it isn't easy, fun, or even generally desirable. Poor in spirit, those who mourn, meek, lowly, merciful, hunger and thirst for justice, peacemakers, persecuted, mocked.
Doing what is right, trying to mend those relationships torn by hurt feelings, misunderstandings and such is hard and heart-wrenching. I think it gives us a glimpse of The Father's Heart- if we can see the brokenness, and cry for those relationships- how much more does it hurt Him to watch his children squabble?
So many times this happens to me. It's part of who I am that I tend to see both sides of an argument- and feel the validity of each point. When the conflict is between two friends, I cannot take sides.
I end up in the role of peacemaker- or at least trying- to help each side understand the other- translate the points into what the other will understand. It hurts, and oftentimes I am accused of being wishy-washy, not being a good friend to one or the other, or just flat ignored.
I think what seems to make it worse is that on the outside, I don't appear to be as broken as I feel about it all. Between the anti-depressants I take, and the fact that I've had to train myself to keep my emotions inside, I may look calm, but my heart is weeping.
(Josiah overreacts to other people's emotions and pain- especially mine, so I have to keep it from him. I grew up being told I was overemotional, so I hold it in as much as possible.)
So my heart cries today. I did what I could yesterday, trying to help, trying to keep my focus and attention on what needed to be done- loving everyone in my circle, being teacher, mom, and friend. Now I have the opportunity to let it out, to curl up on the couch with my snuggly Gracie and whimper, and hope that in my own struggle, I've not lost the closest friend I've had in years just because I'm trying to be a peacemaker.
I kept telling myself this over and over again yesterday. And still it was hard. This morning, I went to look up the reference, and I noticed something about the Beatitudes- each of those Christ calls Blessed- it isn't easy, fun, or even generally desirable. Poor in spirit, those who mourn, meek, lowly, merciful, hunger and thirst for justice, peacemakers, persecuted, mocked.
Doing what is right, trying to mend those relationships torn by hurt feelings, misunderstandings and such is hard and heart-wrenching. I think it gives us a glimpse of The Father's Heart- if we can see the brokenness, and cry for those relationships- how much more does it hurt Him to watch his children squabble?
So many times this happens to me. It's part of who I am that I tend to see both sides of an argument- and feel the validity of each point. When the conflict is between two friends, I cannot take sides.
I end up in the role of peacemaker- or at least trying- to help each side understand the other- translate the points into what the other will understand. It hurts, and oftentimes I am accused of being wishy-washy, not being a good friend to one or the other, or just flat ignored.
I think what seems to make it worse is that on the outside, I don't appear to be as broken as I feel about it all. Between the anti-depressants I take, and the fact that I've had to train myself to keep my emotions inside, I may look calm, but my heart is weeping.
(Josiah overreacts to other people's emotions and pain- especially mine, so I have to keep it from him. I grew up being told I was overemotional, so I hold it in as much as possible.)
So my heart cries today. I did what I could yesterday, trying to help, trying to keep my focus and attention on what needed to be done- loving everyone in my circle, being teacher, mom, and friend. Now I have the opportunity to let it out, to curl up on the couch with my snuggly Gracie and whimper, and hope that in my own struggle, I've not lost the closest friend I've had in years just because I'm trying to be a peacemaker.
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