All a matter of inspiration.

"The best-laid schemes o' mice, and men

Gang aft agley' "

Okay, I'm not a fieldmouse whose house has just been plowed up... (highfive if you understood that..)

... but I always have great plans that seldom get off the drawing board.  Lots... many many lots... have to do with sewing.  I have piles of patterns I've never used, and bins of fabric just waiting.  I've heard this isn't unusual in sewing circles.

I have given myself a deadline of the first of next month to finish one multi- product project, but haven't had the inclination to actually get the sewing machine out yet.

Until today.  It's odd how it goes.

When I got Gracie dressed after our shower, I put her in a casual yellow sundress.  (t-shirt fabric, and a bit too big)  I thought of how cute that is on her, and how much she loves her dresses, and thought, 'she could use more like this.' But I've bought enough clothes for her for summer- I really shouldn't buy more.

With that thought fresh, I was scrolling down Facebook, and saw one of my friends asking for sewing advice.  As I said I could help, I thought of my fabric stash, and that I probably had at least one pattern for a toddler sundress.. (2, in fact)  

So once my other chores are done, I'm digging out that stash!

Going Home

I stood at the bottom of the stairs and held the door for someone I knew wasn't coming.  He's not been in the choir loft for months, but still somewhere in the back of my mind I would think maybe they'd come back- maybe he'd rejoin us.  They were such a part of our church- part of our lives- for so long, that I wanted them to still be there.  

But today I knew for certain he would not be returning to us.  That he wouldn't greet me at the bottom of the stairs with a smile, a bear hug, and a "Hey  kiddo, how are you?"  Odd that the choir sings of 'going Home' the Sunday after one of its long-time members does just that.  

"Don't you wanna go Home?"  He didn't want to, I'm certain. I thought of those words as I held his unresponsive hand Wednesday evening.  Through his fight with cancer, and a couple small strokes, he kept blowing it off, saying he was doing fine, it was no big deal.  Even when he was unconcious and they'd ended life support, he hung on for more than a day. He didn't want to go- didn't want to say 'goodbye' even when he could no longer speak. And I don't blame him. 

I think most of us are like that. We will hang on to a fraying rope rather than let go for something that is ultimately better. Fear defies logic. We can't see the end. We don't even know tomorrow. 

Another friend is leaving for a summer mission trip. I asked Josiah if he wanted to go to a party for her. 

"Is it a farewell party?"

"Kinda- she'll be back though"

"I don't like farewell parties. That's where you say goodbye. And I don't like goodbyes."

Neither do I, kiddo

Can do

The past two weeks:

Two weekends in a row with folks in town.
Spending a weekend with my Mom- it is a rare thing anymore.
Being a 'single parent' for a weekend with Matt in Baltimore.
Switching Grace from the crib to the bed.  (because the crib broke!) 
Reorganizing the house.
Cleaning out stuff.
Catching up on housework.
Reaffirming that one does not say 'no' to Mama.
Trying to calm an already loopy monkey for the last weeks of school.
Taking care of moon-crazed two and three year olds.
Dealing with electrical issues.
Figuring out how to get -some- stuff off Josiah's bedroom floor.
Teaching Grace how to do puzzles.
One crochet project, one sewing project.
Groceries, errands, trying not to spend too much at the outlet mall.
Interrupted sleep.
Pain.
Rest.
Ministering.
Mourning.
Praying.
Waiting.
Weeping.
Laughter.


I was about to loose it today.  By noon, I had gotten almost all the cleaning done, but still had several things I wanted to have complete.  Grace was being argumentative, demanding, and wouldn't nap.  The power had gone out (blown circuit breaker) FIVE times.   And our first guests were less than an hour away. 

But I made it.  I did it.  And several of those tasks were things that really should have been done with help.  But I did it.

I can do this.  I just have to keep moving, keep going. 

Unbroken

Today I choose to become what I am supposed to be. What I am in God's strength- which is far beyond my own. 

I am not a mouse hiding in a pile of undone chores and frustrated dreams. Afraid to offend, afraid to move, buried under the weight of all I carry. Broken. 

I am a tigress. I will do what must be done- work or play- regardless of pain, fear, frustration, or past disappointments.  I will not be intimidated by the shadows of others.

"I can do all things in Christ who gives me strength."  Philippians 4:13

I am a hawk. I can rise above it.  Look to the clouds, soar above the things that would hold me in the mud. 

"I have carried you on eagle's wings and brought you to Myself."  Exodus 19:4

Expectations whether real or imagined do not change who I am. What I can be. 

I have been the broken little mouse far too long. 

I choose today to be unbroken. 

Morning prayer

Lord, You hold today in the palm of Your hand
Enfold it, enclose it
Make it Yours.

There will be strife
There will be tears
Hold our hand
Calm our fears

Help us see You
In the walk ahead
From the sunrise
Till we go to bed

Let us feel your Breath
In every gust of wind
Let us feel Your touch
At the hands of a friend

Help us to notice wonder
Help us to feel Your Joy
Help us to share Your Peace
Help us to be Your Love

As the day begins
We lift our eyes to You
And pray You go before us
In everything we do.

BCW 1/28/13