Small steps. There's so many things I know I need to work on- not just projects and chores, but other things as well- peace, and boldness. I need to exercise more, too. I have a couple ideas of things I could do, but for some, I'm afraid- others I'm just not sure I can truly follow through. Mostly I just need the motivation to quit stewing over it and get moving.
That'd be the first step.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Monday, March 28, 2011
definitions
Once again, I've had all sorts of ideas for posts, and haven't gotten to write them. I did get the next step of the heavy blanket done, and got the flowerbed partially done as well. I think since it's cloudy and cool today, I'll focus on the sewing. Once Gracie wakes up, that is. Don't want the sewing machine waking her from a much-needed nap. >.<
One thing I'd been thinking about last week was looking at what defines a person. It sounds odd, I know, but I lost a lot of hair in the shower one day last week, and got rather annoyed. In my imaginary conversation with someone (yes, I do that a lot) they were not very sympathetic. My response: "you're not the one defined by their hair."
That really got me thinking. What is it that defines me? When someone tells another about me, what do they say? Is it the purely physical? Short, with long curly hair and glasses? Or relational? Josiah and Grace's mom? Matt's wife? (I know I've been known as Joy's daughter almost as much as she's been known as Brynn's mom.) Or is it the things I do? Working with the kiddos at church, singing in the choir, doing solos, etc? (I was the 'little one' at Family Christian Stores for years..) Or is it what I like? "You should see her face when she hears a tin whistle or bagpipes. Really likes trees, too..." Or just the odd things I've been known to do? Saving ladybugs, going barefoot in church, skipping or dancing in public places, wearing strings of clover in my hair... ooooh, can't wait to do that with Gracie!
Oddly, I was thinking about this when I turned on the computer that morning and saw that Elizabeth Taylor had died. In most of the news bits, they talked about her career, her looks, her celebrity friends, and multiple marriages. They often glossed over her extensive charity work- and her kids. I hadn't even known she had 4 kids- 1 adopted. Maybe in a few years, they'll look at the less dramatic things, but for now, what defined her life to the general public was pretty shallow.
So I hope I'm not really defined by my hair. I know it's the most easily noticeable physical characteristic, but it's not who I am. There's so many other things I do- and try to be- that I'd far rather be known by. I know I'm not super-talented at anything, or supermom, or all that pretty to anyone but Matt and Josiah. So I guess I should be spending more time on what I want to be- rather than worrying over my hair.
One thing I'd been thinking about last week was looking at what defines a person. It sounds odd, I know, but I lost a lot of hair in the shower one day last week, and got rather annoyed. In my imaginary conversation with someone (yes, I do that a lot) they were not very sympathetic. My response: "you're not the one defined by their hair."
That really got me thinking. What is it that defines me? When someone tells another about me, what do they say? Is it the purely physical? Short, with long curly hair and glasses? Or relational? Josiah and Grace's mom? Matt's wife? (I know I've been known as Joy's daughter almost as much as she's been known as Brynn's mom.) Or is it the things I do? Working with the kiddos at church, singing in the choir, doing solos, etc? (I was the 'little one' at Family Christian Stores for years..) Or is it what I like? "You should see her face when she hears a tin whistle or bagpipes. Really likes trees, too..." Or just the odd things I've been known to do? Saving ladybugs, going barefoot in church, skipping or dancing in public places, wearing strings of clover in my hair... ooooh, can't wait to do that with Gracie!
Oddly, I was thinking about this when I turned on the computer that morning and saw that Elizabeth Taylor had died. In most of the news bits, they talked about her career, her looks, her celebrity friends, and multiple marriages. They often glossed over her extensive charity work- and her kids. I hadn't even known she had 4 kids- 1 adopted. Maybe in a few years, they'll look at the less dramatic things, but for now, what defined her life to the general public was pretty shallow.
So I hope I'm not really defined by my hair. I know it's the most easily noticeable physical characteristic, but it's not who I am. There's so many other things I do- and try to be- that I'd far rather be known by. I know I'm not super-talented at anything, or supermom, or all that pretty to anyone but Matt and Josiah. So I guess I should be spending more time on what I want to be- rather than worrying over my hair.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
distraction
A free moment- Grace is actually asleep in the afternoon- and I want to write. I've had ideas- lots of ideas, but I don't remember a single one.
I get so distracted these days. I have so many things I need to do, things I want to do, and either end up walking away from it halfway done, or not starting at all.
Sure, the kiddos are a big source of distraction. It's hard to get the laundry folded and away when you're pacing the floor with a little one who will only rest if Mama's carrying her. And dishes don't get put away when the big one wants you to play Veggies or Cars with him. But even when I have a moment, I stand there trying to figure out where to start. And then the moment's over and someone wants food.
I have a couple projects I want/ need to do in the next couple weeks.
1. Heavy blanket for Josiah's teacher. She ordered it in October, and has said tons of times there's no hurry. I'm about halfway done now. Mostly just need to lay it out on the floor and measure/pin a long channel from top to bottom. I did one already, but it's a bit crooked. This also means I have to clean the floor in the living room.
2. Flowerbed. My poor, neglected flowerbed. I made a big bed around my catalpa tree about 9 years ago. I haven't hardly touched it in the past couple years, so it looks pretty bad. There's even a couple small trees trying to grow against the big one. It needs to be cleared out badly and pretty much started over again. I have a plan for how to do it, I just need to do it. My goal is to have it underway before the catalpa blooms- which should be in a couple weeks.
3. Spring Cleaning. 'nuff said. My house is a mess, and we'll be having people visit a few times in April/May. I still have my Christmas garland up in the living room. (Just the pine garland and the lights- Gracie loved the lights so much, I didn't want to take it down. I kinda like it though...)
I really need to get organized. >.<
I get so distracted these days. I have so many things I need to do, things I want to do, and either end up walking away from it halfway done, or not starting at all.
Sure, the kiddos are a big source of distraction. It's hard to get the laundry folded and away when you're pacing the floor with a little one who will only rest if Mama's carrying her. And dishes don't get put away when the big one wants you to play Veggies or Cars with him. But even when I have a moment, I stand there trying to figure out where to start. And then the moment's over and someone wants food.
I have a couple projects I want/ need to do in the next couple weeks.
1. Heavy blanket for Josiah's teacher. She ordered it in October, and has said tons of times there's no hurry. I'm about halfway done now. Mostly just need to lay it out on the floor and measure/pin a long channel from top to bottom. I did one already, but it's a bit crooked. This also means I have to clean the floor in the living room.
2. Flowerbed. My poor, neglected flowerbed. I made a big bed around my catalpa tree about 9 years ago. I haven't hardly touched it in the past couple years, so it looks pretty bad. There's even a couple small trees trying to grow against the big one. It needs to be cleared out badly and pretty much started over again. I have a plan for how to do it, I just need to do it. My goal is to have it underway before the catalpa blooms- which should be in a couple weeks.
3. Spring Cleaning. 'nuff said. My house is a mess, and we'll be having people visit a few times in April/May. I still have my Christmas garland up in the living room. (Just the pine garland and the lights- Gracie loved the lights so much, I didn't want to take it down. I kinda like it though...)
I really need to get organized. >.<
Monday, March 7, 2011
dreamed
I went into the living room last night to sit on our big exercise ball and bounce Grace to sleep. I was going to put in Sleeping Beauty - we've been watching it at bedtime in chunks all week. I decided to check what was on TV first. PBS during pledge time often has stuff I love. (Celtic Women, Celtic Thunder, etc..)
Last night was the 25th anniversary Les Miserables in concert. Unfortunately on the last song. The encore was awesome though... I wanted to cry. I think if it hadn't been for the antidepressants, I likely would have been bawling.
Because of the story? The music? Partially.
Mis is a reminder to me. Of the passionate dreams I had once upon a time. Of being carried away by the music in a way I seldom get to experience these days.
Performing has always been a catharsis for me- a way of expressing myself and pouring out my heart in a way writing cannot always express. I'm generally a very shy and quiet person, eager to not give offense and unwilling to share my own hurts and anxieties. But on stage... on stage I can let everything show. Performing, I have no fear. The little bits of me in a song or a role just take over.
I'm a horrible liar- I just can't. But I can act... Now that I consider it- how much of what I show people is an act? So often I still feel like a child trying to muddle my way through the big world, even though I'm the mother of two and in my late thirties.
I think some parts of me will always be that teenage girl belting out "On My Own," closing her eyes and seeing herself onstage. Sometimes- like last night- I miss that dream. I wonder how I could get some measure of the dream back- make something happen. But I know it won't- it can't.
The role I was meant for was not Eponine- but Brynn. There is far more need for me to do the laundry than for me to sing. Still I cannot let the dream die.
Last night was the 25th anniversary Les Miserables in concert. Unfortunately on the last song. The encore was awesome though... I wanted to cry. I think if it hadn't been for the antidepressants, I likely would have been bawling.
Because of the story? The music? Partially.
Mis is a reminder to me. Of the passionate dreams I had once upon a time. Of being carried away by the music in a way I seldom get to experience these days.
Performing has always been a catharsis for me- a way of expressing myself and pouring out my heart in a way writing cannot always express. I'm generally a very shy and quiet person, eager to not give offense and unwilling to share my own hurts and anxieties. But on stage... on stage I can let everything show. Performing, I have no fear. The little bits of me in a song or a role just take over.
I'm a horrible liar- I just can't. But I can act... Now that I consider it- how much of what I show people is an act? So often I still feel like a child trying to muddle my way through the big world, even though I'm the mother of two and in my late thirties.
I think some parts of me will always be that teenage girl belting out "On My Own," closing her eyes and seeing herself onstage. Sometimes- like last night- I miss that dream. I wonder how I could get some measure of the dream back- make something happen. But I know it won't- it can't.
The role I was meant for was not Eponine- but Brynn. There is far more need for me to do the laundry than for me to sing. Still I cannot let the dream die.
Friday, March 4, 2011
being alice
"Come, there's no use in crying like that!" Said Alice to herself, rather sharply; "I advise you to leave off this minute!" She generally gave herself very good advice, (though she very seldom followed it) and sometimes she scolded herself so severely as to bring tears to her eyes...-from Alice's Adventures in Wonderland
This is me. I can identify so well with Alice- I do it all the time.
I'm an encourager. I'm constantly cheering people on, going out of my way when I recognize someone needs a hug, and ear, or a shoulder. Josiah considers 'stupid' or 'idiot' bad words, because I refuse to let people around me use them in reference to themselves or others. I may try a bit too hard sometimes, but it's who I am, I have to help other people feel better about themselves. It's my Gift.
Yet at the same time... I recognize the signs in others because I live them myself. I know the words because I want to hear them myself. It makes it easier for me to help others, and sometimes I think that's the reason I deal with this. I can minister better through experience. What I say to others is true and heartfelt, not just words. Saying them to myself is a different matter entirely.
So I know what goes on- what needs to be said- what I should remember. But sometimes I still feel alone and afraid in the dark. That's when I'm like Alice. I berate myself for forgetting my own advice- for not heeding the words I've told others. I tell friends they're beautiful, and make faces at my own reflection. (and at Matt when he says the same thing.) I remind folks how many friends they have- how important they are to so many, and feel completely cut off from everyone myself.
I see myself do this- I watch it happen, but still can't seem to make it stop. So I beat myself up about it- which only makes it worse. I know I have several friends who say to call whenever- just like I've told plenty- but I don't. I don't want to bother them. In my head they're busy with far more important things than me. And I worry that folks don't call me because they think the same. But usually I'm just here. Being like Alice.
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