Difference

So much change- so much difference. But still so much stays the same. 

Once more I'm fighting to get back to myself- struggling out of the cavern of depression I've found myself in.  Odd how even at my buisiest I manage the time to mope. 

Gracie's loving dance class- dancing all the time! And I'm enjoying the company of other moms again. Her days are filled like mine once were- fantasy rules. Dragons, princesses, and such. She still doesn't eat though, and it's a costant worry for me. She has energy to spare, but for how long?  

Josiah's doing fairly well so far in high school, though in many ways he's more like an 8 year old. Though not many 8 year olds are 6 ft 1.  And the level of stress he carries is more akin to middle age. 

And then there's Peter. Yes, another suprise. I thought I was facing the start of menopause, but instead, at 21 weeks, found I was expecting again. Peter Troy, (Troy being Matt's grandfather- Peter was born on his birthday) is happy, healthy, and a handful. Thankfully he sleeps well- through the night at 3 months-his siblings didn't untill they were 2& 4 years old!

6 days before Peter arrived, we moved into a new house. That was a long hard journey of its own. Best and worst in people really came out, and I'm aftaid some of the bad was me. (Though an anemic 8 month pregnant woman having to live from a suitcase with 2 kids for a week has to be given some grace.) I am still working at getting everything unpacked, organized, and decorated. Most days my to-do list is half everyday chores, and half upgrades. When I even get to finish the list. 

I feel so worn. Missing part of myself, and it's been replaced by something grumpy. 

Change is inevitable. But at the same time, I don't want myself to change- I don't want to loose my free spirit. It's been chained so long, the shackles chafe. But I think once I look again, they are not shackles, but bracers- part of the armor of the warrior mom I am. I'm still standing, and that's a battle won.