being alice

"Come, there's no use in crying like that!"  Said Alice to herself, rather sharply; "I advise you to leave off this minute!"  She generally gave herself very good advice, (though she very seldom followed it) and sometimes she scolded herself so severely as to bring tears to her eyes...

                          -from Alice's Adventures in Wonderland

This is me.  I can identify so well with Alice- I do it all the time.

I'm an encourager.  I'm constantly cheering people on, going out of my way when I recognize someone needs a hug, and ear, or a shoulder.  Josiah considers 'stupid' or 'idiot' bad words, because I refuse to let people around me use them in reference to themselves or others.  I may try a bit too hard sometimes, but it's who I am, I have to help other people feel better about themselves.  It's my Gift.

Yet at the same time... I recognize the signs in others because I live them myself.  I know the words because I want to hear them myself.  It makes it easier for me to help others, and sometimes I think that's the reason I deal with this.  I can minister better through experience.  What I say to others is true and heartfelt, not just words.  Saying them to myself is a different matter entirely.

So I know what goes on- what needs to be said- what I should remember.  But sometimes I still feel alone and afraid in the dark.  That's when I'm like Alice.  I berate myself for forgetting my own advice- for not heeding the words I've told others.  I tell friends they're beautiful, and make faces at my own reflection.  (and at Matt when he says the same thing.)  I remind folks how many friends they have- how important they are to so many, and feel completely cut off from everyone myself.

I see myself do this- I watch it happen, but still can't seem to make it stop.  So I beat myself up about it- which only makes it worse.  I know I have several friends who say to call whenever- just like I've told plenty- but I don't.  I don't want to bother them.  In my head they're busy with far more important things than me.   And I worry that folks don't call me because they think the same.  But usually I'm just here.  Being like Alice.

fear and reason

My sister -in-law linked me to an article yesterday on why toddlers have temper tantrums. I've lost the link, but the basic idea is that they have so much pent-up anxiety, they're bound to burst.

They said that the parts of the brain responsible for logic and reason don't really start maturing until age four. So no matter how many times you tell them they're not going down the bathtub drain, they will still worry. Wouldn't you balk at going to bed if you were worried your teddy bear might come alive in the night and eat you?

As I read, I couldn't help but notice how much this applied to Josiah as well. So much of the time what he worries over is just ridiculous. And that's where the meltdowns come from. When he's so afraid, that it all bubbles over and he can't control himself at all.

How do you explain to people that your 11-year old- was crying at church because you told him the service was going to be shorter than normal? (I'm proud of the pastor- Josiah said when they talked about it, the pastor didn't laugh.) Thankfully, a few know him well enough to just ask- "Was it the change in schedule?" Yes. Amongst other things. "Does God like it when we have short services? Are we still going to get Daddy afterwards? Are we bringing Gracie with us? She isn't getting adopted, is she?" (Yes, he worries we'll get rid of her. I may have convinced him we'd never let anyone adopt them away.)

By the same token, a friend posted in her blog yesterday that she finds herself reassuring her 3-week-old with, "I always feed you, don't worry." She likened it to how often we cry for what we need- or think we need- and God is there saying, "I'm always here- I will always provide- just like I have before."

I got to thinking about it all together. How many of my fears are completely unfounded? Too often I have my own emotional meltdowns based on things that for the most part, aren't true. I'm held back by these fears.

I know it's not all in my head- I can recognize now when the depression is trying to get the better of me. It preys on these insecurities I've had all my life. An abysmal sense of self- worth, fear of rejection, fear of failure, and an overactive imagination that still wonders if there is a monster under the bed.

Guess I should start singing Veggie songs with Josiah: "God is bigger than the boogie man, He's bigger than godzilla or the monsters on TV. Oh, God is bigger than the boogie man. And He's watchin' out for you and me."

Coming around again...

I got the itch again.

I've been reading several friends' blogs, and started thinking about going back to mine. I'd long since lost the link, and couldn't remember the login info.

So I went to a friend's blog and hit the 'login' button, figuring I could probably guess my password and such. It went straight to my page somehow. I'll take that as a sign...

Then I read back through my old posts. Odd how some things are so much the same. Life changes, but still I go back to the same trouble- the same insecurities- and even the same hope.

I found a daffodil sprout in my flowerbed yesterday. I haven't planted the bulbs for two years. Around here, they're an annual. The fact some came up last year was a miracle. This year... even beyond that.

This year things are very different. Last year at this time... it was not looking good at all. It looked like this season of winter- depressing and hopeless- was going to last forever.

But spring came. And spring is still here. God's grace to us is amazing. I spend time each day trying to watch the world through new eyes. The bright blue eyes of my unexpected Grace.

catching up...

Alright, it's been a while I know. In some ways I feel like I'm finally catching back up- in others I'm falling behind.

I started myself daily to-do lists this week, and it helped. I think this week I'm going to make myself a full-out schedule so I can get back on track.

And yes, sitting on the porch with my tea is going to be a daily thing. (at least when the weather's nice.) It's been so nice to have that time- I feel a bit more balanced. Even though I haven't been great about taking my 'happy pills' this week, I'm not as down as I would have been otherwise.

So with a bunch of company coming next month, I have plenty to do to get stuff organised. But still I need to do my sewing projects, stuff for Awana, gardening, housework, playing with the monkey...

Yeah, I need a schedule >.<

*sigh of relief*

We made it. It wasn't easy, but we got through it. And in all, it went pretty well.

Wednesday we spent most of the day going from room to room and floor to floor meeting a ton of people. It was long, but in a way, reassuring, that all these people were there to look out for him- and open for whatever was needed. Then a dinner with friends and without the boy really helped us relax.

Thursday it was a bunch of waiting, but at least the waiting during the surgery/recovery wasn't long at all. Of course, they called us pretty quick to recovery 'cause he woke up -furious.- I could hear him screaming as soon as the elevator doors opened- even through 3 closed doors. And once we got to the room, with 3 nurses, 4 grandparents, and 2 parents trying to calm him down probably just added to the problem at first. Finally I stuck his MP3 player in his ears on a favorite song, (Junior Asparagus singing 'Twinkle Twinkle') and that helped him focus better. Two hours later, he was having a ball shooting foam disks at the grandparents and eating pizza. After a while, he realized that even the horrible medicine really did help him feel better, so he was a bit more open to taking it.

When he felt better, he got to explore around the hospital in the wheelchair, and had a ball doing so.

More later...

aaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!

Just got the letter. Josiah's surgery is the 19th. Yes- just less than 2 weeks away.

Can I panic now?

peace

So I found a downy woodpecker today in the front yard with a broken wing. I took a couple pictures and found the number for the local wildlife rescue so I could take her in. She was alert enough that she was afraid of me and climbed up the catalpa tree. I watched her for a while, going outside to check on her in between cleaning and such. Then I couldn't find her anymore. I knew there was no way she could have flown, so I checked all over. I did find her again eventually, but it was too late.

After fretting a while, I thought of something one of my characters in a game was told once: "You shouldn't punish yourself; you cannot save everyone. That isn't to say everyone won't be saved - you simply won't always be the one to do it." There really was nothing I could have done for the poor thing. If I'd been able to catch her before she went up the tree, maybe. But I couldn't save her.

"So don’t be afraid; you are more valuable to God than a whole flock of sparrows." Matthew 10:31

How much more does He weep when he sees our broken wings?