sledgehammer?

So I finally joined a Bible study.  It's been years.  Though partially because I've had other commitments when most of them meet.  (choir and kid's ministry)

I've always been interested in the Beth Moore studies that one of my heroes (or heroines, rather) has been leading, but I've never been able to go.  Last night, there was stuff for Josiah at church, and the nursery, and the group Matt sometimes joins was meeting, but no choir for me.  I saw that the Beth Moore group was meeting, so I thought I'd stick my head in. 

Turned out to be the first night of a new study. The title of the book?  So Long, Insecurity.  I showed it to Matt when I got home and his first reaction was to laugh.  "Sledgehammer much?"  Then he sighed. "Thank God." 

So I'm gonna do it.  I borrowed a book, but I'm going to download it on my nook so it goes with me.  I'll have to miss a couple sessions due to travel and choir rehearsals, but overall, just getting my feet wet should be good.

new

Counting today- three more days of school for Josiah.  Three more days of 5th grade- three more days of Elementary school.  One of the aides this morning asked him how he felt about it- happy or sad?  "Happy- but a little sad."  All new teachers, new place, new classmates... I think I'm more nervous than he is about the changes.  Of course, I also remember middle school as horrible with bullying and teasing.... he's oblivious to much of it, but sometimes he sees things far more acutely than I could imagine.


So starting Wednesday I have to come up with things to keep both kids occupied.  Thankfully Josiah's not averse to things for younger kids, so I may be able to find some middle ground for them.  And at the end of June the boys are going to Colorado- they're so excited.  (and I'm really jealous, but there's no way we're driving that long with Gracie in the car now.)

And this afternoon, Josiah gets to see what playing the tuba will really be like... I so hope he doesn't change his mind.  (I had to wheedle a bit to get him in there..)

one down...

Gracie's in a better mood- one of those stubborn teeth finally poked through yesterday.  Still not eating great, but at least she's in a better mood- and even took an almost 3 hour nap this afternoon.

Now to see if I can motivate myself to finish cleaning before having company tomorrow...

frustrating

I want to be a good mom.  I want my kids to be happy and healthy at all times.  I know I don't always make the best choices, but I'm trying.  Sometimes it's happiness over propriety or a bit of experimentation.  With my two- pretty much everything's an experiment for now.  (I got some looks for letting Gracie taste a snow cone yesterday.  She liked it.  Josiah had already been given sweet tea by her age...)

But just trying to keep them happy is hard.  Josiah goes off on moods where nothing works, and I just have to throw my hands up and walk away or try and try again with new approaches to the problem.  And when he's not feeling well, he has trouble expressing what's bothering him.  Not just for illnesses, but pretty much anything.  He falls back on quotes or makes up really convoluted 'reasons' for things.  He's extremely loopy today, and I'm not certain why.  It could be that we took a different vehicle to school, a change in the 'normal' schedule today, Saturday's BBQ, the last week of school... or any number of seemingly innocuous things.  I spend so much time each day trying to figure out how he got to some conclusion he's made.

Then there's Grace.  She wants to tell me everything.  But at 7 months, well... it's just trying.  Right now, I know something's not right.  She's having a hard time during her meals and has hardly slept more than an hour and a half at a time in the past several weeks.  (Yes, that means Mama's had even less.)  When she started trying to pull of one of her ears, we thought maybe that was the problem.  Nope.  There's a little fluid in the other ear, but no infection.  I got the new experience of having to take a...sample... then took it over to the dr this morning.  Nope, nothing there.  So what now?  What do they think it is?  "I don't know- maybe just the teeth."  So we get to just stick it out.  Listening to her scream while she tries to eat... it's frustrating, to say the least.  For both of us.

I'm doing ok considering how little sleep I've gotten- except for occasionally standing and staring at something for several minutes trying to figure out what on earth I was supposed to be doing.  At least a week from today I won't have to be driving much at all for a while.

"the yuck"

I haven't really felt like writing much of late.  Or rather I have, but 'the yuck'  (aka the depression)  has been so strong of late, my writing would mostly be a long string of self-pity.  Some of it is real, some is not.  It's hard to know where the line is some days. Those days I tend to say even less than normal. 

But how do you admit to folks you need them to reach out without sounding like you're begging for attention?  Like you're pouting?  Calling to chat is near impossible, and I know at times I just try too hard and drive people off.

So usually I just stay silent.

getting there

Some stuff off the list.  I stepped out with the things I was stewing over last week and got them done.  One to hopefully help Josiah, one to maybe help another kiddo.  And the blanket.  I finally got it done.  I decided yesterday I was taking it to school, and I did.  A few minutes late, but I did it.

Next on the list is cleaning and the garden.  I wanted to finish the bed before the catalpa bloomed, but it's already started- as gorgeous as always.  And now allergies have hit Gracie and I both, so it may be another week or two. 

So that leaves cleaning.  I'll just try to take it one room at a time.  And likely one- handed, as well since I have a helper who has to see what Mama's doing.  ;)

awake

So I've probably gotten about six hours sleep total in the last two days.  And yet I'm awake.  Somehow.  As one friend put it- "means you're going to be even loopier than normal."  Yeah, probably.  At least Gracie's in a good mood, and Josiah's done awesome at school this week- which really is an accomplishment. 

The first of the big standardized tests were Monday and Tuesday, and he went into them without his usual worry- actually took his time, and came out feeling good about it.  His teachers don't know how he did yet, but they think he did well, too.  And if the tests weren't enough to throw my boy who NEEDS his schedule enough, they decided to spend the rest of the week rotating the kids through other classes for science projects.  He knew ahead of time, at least, and I even have a copy of the schedule at home for him to look at.  But apparently yesterday he did pretty well.  Dwelt on the change a lot, but went with it.  I'm pretty sure about a month ago, things would -not- have gone so smoothly. 

So once again, God stepped in and pulled off calming Josiah down right before the tests.  A couple years ago, that surgery was less than two weeks before the TAKS.  We were really worried it would throw him for a loop- but he aced it.  I know a lot of folks who are very disappointed in AISD and how they're treating their special needs kids.  And hearing their stories, I have to agree.  As for us though, we have been so extremely fortunate to have good teachers and administrators that have tried to do their best for Monkey.  Not all of them have been perfect- and there are some things I wish were better- but on the whole, we've done pretty well.  I truly don't know where I would be without Miss Abbassi, Mrs Cordova, Ms Birch, Miss Jamie, Mr Connor, Miss Carnett, Miss Margit, Miss Jones, Ms Wilson, Ms Amy, Ms Mata, Mrs Royal... and so many other aides and teachers who have helped Josiah.  I seldom worry about him at school, because I know there's so many people at his school that are familiar enough with him to keep an eye on him.  Of course, I know a lot of that comes just from his personality- he wants to know everyone around him, and almost always has a smile.  I actually feel sorry for folks who don't get to know him.