Broken

A few weeks ago, the pastor gave a description of someone who is broken.  It was like looking in a mirror. 

That's the best way to describe how I've been feeling.  Broken.  Heart, soul, body.  I can't seem to get things together, and feel like I'm falling so far short of what I should be- who I should be.  Even when I know the only person whose expectations I'm not living up to is myself.

And it's not getting easier.  For hours every day I want to curl up in a corner and bawl my eyes out.

Where do I start when the weight of everything makes my back ache more than carrying Gracie on a fussy day?  What can I do when I'm fighting to keep my family happy, but can hardly find any joy myself.

Tears are falling now.  Tears that have been held back for weeks.  I have to hide them from Josiah, and it's not easy.  I tell Matt it's just the 'yuck' and go on.  Not that he believes me, but he'll leave it at that. 

Lord help me.  Only You can provide the bandages, the cure I need.  I cannot do this alone.

fear and wonder

I've been working with kids, mostly through the church, since I was probably 13. VBS, Sunday school, camps- tons of them.

I was sitting with a darling little first-grade girl this morning, and realized that dozens of times I've brought a child to the brink of salvation- and deferred them to someone else.  I guess part of me had decided my job was before and after that step:  bring them to the door of the Throne room, then disciple them once someone more knowledgeable led them to the Throne itself.

Today, there was no one to defer her to.  She wanted to ask about it, and she trusted me with it.  I stumbled over my words, trying to come up with a way to phrase questions, to see how much she understood.  I know I must have said some of the same things more than once, but there was understanding in her face.

An inaudible "Daddy help me" prayer later, and she began spilling out her heart.  She understands.  I have no doubts this little one is firmly in His Hands.  She told me how desperately she's been trying to tell her family and friends about Christ.  She gave me a long list of names, telling me she tries, but they just won't listen.  I asked how old the kids were she was talking to. Most were 10-15.  So this is an 8-year old fervently witnessing to her dad and teenagers.  She wants them to find a church, but mostly, she wants them to love God like she does.

I encouraged her as I could, and prayed over her.  As I told folks later, though she may never have gone through the process of 'being saved' in a church setting, she is.  Her heart is firmly His.  This was childlike faith sitting in the hallway on the old choir risers with me.

She may not have prayed aloud with me, but I know God knows the heart.  As one of the songs we're learning this week says, "He hears every prayer before we even pray it."  It's the change in the heart, or the reassurance in Mandy's case, not the words.

He can use even my stumbling disorganized mess.

sledgehammer?

So I finally joined a Bible study.  It's been years.  Though partially because I've had other commitments when most of them meet.  (choir and kid's ministry)

I've always been interested in the Beth Moore studies that one of my heroes (or heroines, rather) has been leading, but I've never been able to go.  Last night, there was stuff for Josiah at church, and the nursery, and the group Matt sometimes joins was meeting, but no choir for me.  I saw that the Beth Moore group was meeting, so I thought I'd stick my head in. 

Turned out to be the first night of a new study. The title of the book?  So Long, Insecurity.  I showed it to Matt when I got home and his first reaction was to laugh.  "Sledgehammer much?"  Then he sighed. "Thank God." 

So I'm gonna do it.  I borrowed a book, but I'm going to download it on my nook so it goes with me.  I'll have to miss a couple sessions due to travel and choir rehearsals, but overall, just getting my feet wet should be good.

new

Counting today- three more days of school for Josiah.  Three more days of 5th grade- three more days of Elementary school.  One of the aides this morning asked him how he felt about it- happy or sad?  "Happy- but a little sad."  All new teachers, new place, new classmates... I think I'm more nervous than he is about the changes.  Of course, I also remember middle school as horrible with bullying and teasing.... he's oblivious to much of it, but sometimes he sees things far more acutely than I could imagine.


So starting Wednesday I have to come up with things to keep both kids occupied.  Thankfully Josiah's not averse to things for younger kids, so I may be able to find some middle ground for them.  And at the end of June the boys are going to Colorado- they're so excited.  (and I'm really jealous, but there's no way we're driving that long with Gracie in the car now.)

And this afternoon, Josiah gets to see what playing the tuba will really be like... I so hope he doesn't change his mind.  (I had to wheedle a bit to get him in there..)

one down...

Gracie's in a better mood- one of those stubborn teeth finally poked through yesterday.  Still not eating great, but at least she's in a better mood- and even took an almost 3 hour nap this afternoon.

Now to see if I can motivate myself to finish cleaning before having company tomorrow...

frustrating

I want to be a good mom.  I want my kids to be happy and healthy at all times.  I know I don't always make the best choices, but I'm trying.  Sometimes it's happiness over propriety or a bit of experimentation.  With my two- pretty much everything's an experiment for now.  (I got some looks for letting Gracie taste a snow cone yesterday.  She liked it.  Josiah had already been given sweet tea by her age...)

But just trying to keep them happy is hard.  Josiah goes off on moods where nothing works, and I just have to throw my hands up and walk away or try and try again with new approaches to the problem.  And when he's not feeling well, he has trouble expressing what's bothering him.  Not just for illnesses, but pretty much anything.  He falls back on quotes or makes up really convoluted 'reasons' for things.  He's extremely loopy today, and I'm not certain why.  It could be that we took a different vehicle to school, a change in the 'normal' schedule today, Saturday's BBQ, the last week of school... or any number of seemingly innocuous things.  I spend so much time each day trying to figure out how he got to some conclusion he's made.

Then there's Grace.  She wants to tell me everything.  But at 7 months, well... it's just trying.  Right now, I know something's not right.  She's having a hard time during her meals and has hardly slept more than an hour and a half at a time in the past several weeks.  (Yes, that means Mama's had even less.)  When she started trying to pull of one of her ears, we thought maybe that was the problem.  Nope.  There's a little fluid in the other ear, but no infection.  I got the new experience of having to take a...sample... then took it over to the dr this morning.  Nope, nothing there.  So what now?  What do they think it is?  "I don't know- maybe just the teeth."  So we get to just stick it out.  Listening to her scream while she tries to eat... it's frustrating, to say the least.  For both of us.

I'm doing ok considering how little sleep I've gotten- except for occasionally standing and staring at something for several minutes trying to figure out what on earth I was supposed to be doing.  At least a week from today I won't have to be driving much at all for a while.

"the yuck"

I haven't really felt like writing much of late.  Or rather I have, but 'the yuck'  (aka the depression)  has been so strong of late, my writing would mostly be a long string of self-pity.  Some of it is real, some is not.  It's hard to know where the line is some days. Those days I tend to say even less than normal. 

But how do you admit to folks you need them to reach out without sounding like you're begging for attention?  Like you're pouting?  Calling to chat is near impossible, and I know at times I just try too hard and drive people off.

So usually I just stay silent.