I know I put this out on Facebook- and even on a couple other sites as something written by a fictional character, but here's my resolution of sorts.

To be bold in love
To believe in God working through me
And to believe that I am lovely too

You are Beautiful

You are Precious

You are Worthwhile

You are Amazing

How often do I say this

And mean every word?

How often do I show love

Though the other may not see?

Tell someone they are wonderful

Tell someone they are good

Beg them to see themselves

The way my heart does

All are beautiful the way they are

Their stories worth telling-

Worth being heard.

One only do I not say this to

One only I do not hold as dear-

That one would be me.

So I write this for myself now

Inscribe it on my heart

Write it on the walls

To remember at every turn:

Tell the world it is Beautiful

Never forget that you are too.

The love, the grace you show

Given so freely to all

Is given to you as well.

You are loved just as you are

Be bold with your heart

Knowing this does not change.

You are steadfast

Believing the best of others

No matter what may be

Know others see you

With the same love you show

Listen

Believe

You are beautiful as well.

Courage

Courage.

I wrote the word on my arm yesterday in sharpie, and re-wrote it today.  I'll go over it again in the morning.
Why?

I stepped out on a limb a couple times last week- told some dear friends exactly how bad I've been feeling.  How broken I've been.  Apparently I've hidden it well- too well.  "If you're having that much trouble and still laughing, I'm really worried about folks who aren't..."  I decided on Wednesday I would talk to one of two friends.  I ran into both together in a hallway with noone else.  Coincidence?  ha!  Then Sunday I snagged another dear friend and talked with her too.  I got this from her the next morning.

When I asked God what He would like me to pray for you - what His heart and will are for you, He said one word "courage". So I am praying for you to be filled with His love, to sense the greatest measure of His Presence in your daily life so that you can be filled and empowered with the courage that emanates from Him. (Eph 3:16-  May He grant you out of the rich treasury of His glory to be strengthened and reinforced with mighty power in the inner man by the Spirit. )

 It wasn't the word I would have chosen or expected.  But the more I dwelt on it- the more I prayed, I saw how truly I need it. 

I am constantly in fear that what I do isn't good enough, my gifts and skills are not sufficient to the task.  And this is where my insecurity lies.

But -my- gifts and -my- skills aren't what counts.  It's God's grace and power working through me.  The talents He's given me.  And He's more than enough.

All I need is the courage to step back and let Him work.

Broken

A few weeks ago, the pastor gave a description of someone who is broken.  It was like looking in a mirror. 

That's the best way to describe how I've been feeling.  Broken.  Heart, soul, body.  I can't seem to get things together, and feel like I'm falling so far short of what I should be- who I should be.  Even when I know the only person whose expectations I'm not living up to is myself.

And it's not getting easier.  For hours every day I want to curl up in a corner and bawl my eyes out.

Where do I start when the weight of everything makes my back ache more than carrying Gracie on a fussy day?  What can I do when I'm fighting to keep my family happy, but can hardly find any joy myself.

Tears are falling now.  Tears that have been held back for weeks.  I have to hide them from Josiah, and it's not easy.  I tell Matt it's just the 'yuck' and go on.  Not that he believes me, but he'll leave it at that. 

Lord help me.  Only You can provide the bandages, the cure I need.  I cannot do this alone.

fear and wonder

I've been working with kids, mostly through the church, since I was probably 13. VBS, Sunday school, camps- tons of them.

I was sitting with a darling little first-grade girl this morning, and realized that dozens of times I've brought a child to the brink of salvation- and deferred them to someone else.  I guess part of me had decided my job was before and after that step:  bring them to the door of the Throne room, then disciple them once someone more knowledgeable led them to the Throne itself.

Today, there was no one to defer her to.  She wanted to ask about it, and she trusted me with it.  I stumbled over my words, trying to come up with a way to phrase questions, to see how much she understood.  I know I must have said some of the same things more than once, but there was understanding in her face.

An inaudible "Daddy help me" prayer later, and she began spilling out her heart.  She understands.  I have no doubts this little one is firmly in His Hands.  She told me how desperately she's been trying to tell her family and friends about Christ.  She gave me a long list of names, telling me she tries, but they just won't listen.  I asked how old the kids were she was talking to. Most were 10-15.  So this is an 8-year old fervently witnessing to her dad and teenagers.  She wants them to find a church, but mostly, she wants them to love God like she does.

I encouraged her as I could, and prayed over her.  As I told folks later, though she may never have gone through the process of 'being saved' in a church setting, she is.  Her heart is firmly His.  This was childlike faith sitting in the hallway on the old choir risers with me.

She may not have prayed aloud with me, but I know God knows the heart.  As one of the songs we're learning this week says, "He hears every prayer before we even pray it."  It's the change in the heart, or the reassurance in Mandy's case, not the words.

He can use even my stumbling disorganized mess.

sledgehammer?

So I finally joined a Bible study.  It's been years.  Though partially because I've had other commitments when most of them meet.  (choir and kid's ministry)

I've always been interested in the Beth Moore studies that one of my heroes (or heroines, rather) has been leading, but I've never been able to go.  Last night, there was stuff for Josiah at church, and the nursery, and the group Matt sometimes joins was meeting, but no choir for me.  I saw that the Beth Moore group was meeting, so I thought I'd stick my head in. 

Turned out to be the first night of a new study. The title of the book?  So Long, Insecurity.  I showed it to Matt when I got home and his first reaction was to laugh.  "Sledgehammer much?"  Then he sighed. "Thank God." 

So I'm gonna do it.  I borrowed a book, but I'm going to download it on my nook so it goes with me.  I'll have to miss a couple sessions due to travel and choir rehearsals, but overall, just getting my feet wet should be good.

new

Counting today- three more days of school for Josiah.  Three more days of 5th grade- three more days of Elementary school.  One of the aides this morning asked him how he felt about it- happy or sad?  "Happy- but a little sad."  All new teachers, new place, new classmates... I think I'm more nervous than he is about the changes.  Of course, I also remember middle school as horrible with bullying and teasing.... he's oblivious to much of it, but sometimes he sees things far more acutely than I could imagine.


So starting Wednesday I have to come up with things to keep both kids occupied.  Thankfully Josiah's not averse to things for younger kids, so I may be able to find some middle ground for them.  And at the end of June the boys are going to Colorado- they're so excited.  (and I'm really jealous, but there's no way we're driving that long with Gracie in the car now.)

And this afternoon, Josiah gets to see what playing the tuba will really be like... I so hope he doesn't change his mind.  (I had to wheedle a bit to get him in there..)

one down...

Gracie's in a better mood- one of those stubborn teeth finally poked through yesterday.  Still not eating great, but at least she's in a better mood- and even took an almost 3 hour nap this afternoon.

Now to see if I can motivate myself to finish cleaning before having company tomorrow...